Getting the Cullens Good and Drunk
by suxxxor
Summary: Does just what it says on the label. Jacob's been drugging the local wildlife with alcohol so the Cullens are getting wasted. Please R&R.
1. Rosalie & Emmett

_Random stupid humour thing. Review! Disclaimer: STEPHANIE MEYER._

Emmett stared in disbelief as his gorgeous, golden haired, forever-eighteen and usually rather cynical wife giggled as she played with a butterfly. The butterfly, seemingly enticed by Rosalie's sweet scent, kept fluttering towards her face, and Rosalie would wait until it got close and then blow it away with her breath. Each time it happened, Rosalie would clap her hands delightedly and the process would start again. Emmett was feeling a little strange himself – the deer that they had just eaten had obviously been chock full of fermenting berries for a while, because the alcohol in its blood had been strong enough to affect both of them.

Rosalie, the more slender of the two of them, had drunk more and was clearly feeling the effects a little more than Emmett. Bored of her game, Rosalie batted the butterfly away and rolled onto her back, looking at the clouds. She looked over at Emmett and narrowed her eyes at him.

"Are you scammin' on me, Emmett Cullen?" She said accusingly, her voice slightly slurred. "'Cos you're my husband, you know. Husbands shouldn't scam. It's a law." Emmett couldn't help but laugh as Rosalie rolled onto her back again. She was glittering in the evening light, and she looked even more gorgeous, if that was at all possible. Emmett moved to lie down next to her, and she rolled towards him, burying her face in his neck.

"Emmie, am I fun?" she mumbled into his neck. Emmett winced slightly at the use of the nickname, but then smiled and kissed the top of Rosalie's head. Before he could answer, she continued. "'Cos Alice says I'm no fun. And Edward agreed with her. And Bella didn't say anything, 'cos she knows I'd wring her neck if she agreed, but I could tell what she was thinking. It's not like she's any fun anyway; she's so whiney. Whiney. Whine." Emmett nodded his head slightly in agreement so that she wouldn't turn her attack on him, but silently disagreed in his head. Bella _was_ fun – but he couldn't let Rosalie know how much he enjoyed her company, or she'd go berserk.

The light was dimming, and Emmett got to his feet, a little unsteady. "Come on, Rose. It's time to get you home." Rosalie shook her head vehemently, pouting like a small child. Emmett reached for her hand, but she crossed her arms and turned away from him.

"Nope, nope. You've got blood on your fingers. That's _gross_, Emmett. Rosalie doesn't do gross." Emmett sighed, and wiped his hands off on his jeans, holding his arm out to her again with one eyebrow raised. "That's better," Rosalie said, sounding a little more subdued. "Still don't want to go home. Rosalie doesn't want to go home. Rosalie talks about herself in the third person." This started her giggling again, and Emmett sighed, reaching down and scooping her from the ground, swinging her over his shoulders in a fireman's lift and starting to run home.

Rosalie pounded furiously on his back in protest, squealing into his broad shoulders. "Emmett! Emmett! Put me down! I don't like being upside down! I can't bear it!" She stopped protesting suddenly and Emmett wondered why for a moment, before she spoke again. "_Bear_ it … I can't _bear_ it … Emmett, you like bears. You can _bear_ it." She started laughing again, and Emmett was relieved to hear her happy again. She was still laughing when he reached the Cullen household, where he set her gently down onto her feet and held onto her waist to keep her upright.

"Grin and _bear_ it. Go _bear_ yourself. Emmett, you're a bear who cares." Her eyes opened wide with shock, and a hand flew to her mouth as she gasped. "Emmett … you're a _carebear_." Emmett growled playfully and dragged her inside, sitting her down on the couch as Carlisle and Edward entered looking bemused.

"What on earth happened to her?" Carlisle asked, looking shocked as Rosalie giggled and then hiccupped. She seemed to find the hiccup hilarious, and it set her off again. Emmett sat down on the couch and shrugged at Carlisle, before turning to watch as his wife rolled around on the couch laughing. Bella walked into the room after Edward, and stood frozen with shock in the doorway as she took in the scene in front of her.

"Something's wrong with the deer around here. I'm tipsy and Rosalie's wasted, as you can see." Emmett said. Bella found the word 'tipsy' coming from someone like Emmett to sound weird, and she giggled a little too. Alice rushed down the stairs, stopping to smile at her family.

"Put those pillows on the floor next to the couch," she advised, before disappearing into the kitchen. Emmett frowned, but moved to get the cushions anyway. A moment later, Bella's phone rang, causing Rosalie to jump slightly and then unceremoniously fall off the couch. "I told you so!" Alice called from the kitchen, and Rosalie scowled.

"You're meant to use your powers for _good_, not _evil_," she said.

Alice laughed lightly from the kitchen. "I'm not Superman, Rose. I'm just Alice – and Alice can use her powers to do whatever the hell she wants."


	2. Edward & Jasper

_This is my favourite chapter by far - Jasper drunk is priceless. Please R&R._

Edward and Jasper lay sprawled in the front room, Jasper absent-mindedly channel hopping through music channels while Edward hummed under his breath. The two of them had been out hunting, and they had to agree with what Emmett had said a few days earlier - the deers in the area were definately off. Edward was feeling a little woozy, something which he'd never experienced before, and Jasper was on the verge of giggling. '_Jasper. Giggling,' _Edward thought, with a slight shake of his head. Jasper's thoughts were all too clear as he watched the latest Beyonce video with a rapt expression.

"Please don't tell me you're seriously lusting after her like a pathetic teenage human?" Edward asked, with a pained look on his face. "Oh yeah, thanks Jasper. You're building a lovely picture for me there." Jasper grinned at him.

"What? Are you telling me you're seriously not liking the _booty_ on her?"

"Jasper, you're a hundred and sixty-four, and you did _not_ just say booty."

Jasper kept smiling, shrugging his shoulders. "If I was human, I'd have the munchies. I'm a vampire, so- ... I've got the _thirsties_, Edward. Real bad thirsties." Edward rolled his eyes at his brother.

"You can't have the _thirsties_, Jasper. We fed four hours ago. That's what got us into this mess, remember?"

"Mess?! I don't call this a mess. You're just uptight, Edward. I call this _fun_. You're just permanently frowning, and friggin'- you know, when you do that thing. Pinching the top of your nose with your fingers. What _is _that, Edward? You're so tense. It's all that crackling sexual tension-"

"Are you _quite_ finished?" Edward interceded icily, narrowing his eyes at Jasper.

"Take a chill pill, Eddie. Hey, I _am_ a chill pill!" Edward suddenly felt a lot more mellow and a lot more drunk, and he knew exactly why. He tried to frown at Jasper, but he didn't have the heart to. A lazy smile spread across his face.

"I don't remember you ever being much fun either, Jasper. All weird and moody and bad-ass. Is that your_ look_? Does it impress Alice when you look all intense and evil?"

"I'm only evil when I want to be. Only when your _tasty_ girlfriend is around. I totally mean tasty as in flavoursome, not sexy- no offence, Edward. Does she come in spaghetti sauce? Cos I really feel like some _Bella Italia. _Get it? Bella It-" He was cut off as Edward threw himself across the room and pinned him to the sofa.

"Shut up about my girlfriend," Edward said. Jasper smirked innocently and Edward once again felt too happy to continue the fight. He could barely remember why he'd started it, and the room was spinning a little as he sat up next to Jasper on the couch. There was a comfortable silence in the room for a while, as both vampires mulled their thoughts over in their heads. Edward, obviously, mulled over both of their thoughts. Outside, it was beginning to get dark, and the other Cullens would be home from their own hunting trips soon. Bella would get off work in about an hour, and Edward wanted to make sure he saw her as soon as she got back. '_If I'm still drunk, is that really a good idea? No. Irresponsible.' _Edward thought, sighing.

"You know, Edward, we should have a party. Parrrtay. Cullen parties are legendary. Remember after graduation? 'Cept this time I think we should have it all-vamps. Undead party. It would be frickin' awesome. No bloodlust, so I could be there without wanting to kill everyone in sight. Massacre the townsfolk, all that stuff. Hey, you know what? Let's have a goddamn barbeque! We can all be sparkly and happy together in the sun. One big shiny family. Invite the Denali, you know?" Jasper looked at the cynical expression on Edward's face. "Oh, I guess Tanya and Bella wouldn't be a good combo. I can imagine the cat fight that would ensue. Bella would get ripped to shreds."

Edward growled at Jasper and then genuinely considered his idea. "A barbeque. That would be kind of awesome. Bella could come - and Tanya would definately _not_ be invited. She could meet some more of our kind. The good kind, obviously."

"Sure, sure, what are you going to say? Be all like hey, guys, come to my barbeque, meet my girlfriend-" Edward cut him off with a snarl. "I said _meet_, Edward. Not eat."

"That's not what you were _thinking_."


	3. Bachelorette Party

_This isn't as good as the last chapter, but I needed Carlisle drunk somewhere. R&R.  
Please suggest situations that you want to see the characters in too, and tell me who you want to get drunk with who!  
Next up I think it's going to be Jacob and Bella, but I'm open to suggestions._

Bella sighed as Alice dragged her towards the house. The tiny elf-like vampire's hands were over Bella's eyes, but she didn't need to see to have a pretty good idea of what was waiting for her inside the house. With the date of the wedding approaching, Alice seemed to think of nothing else.

"Ta-da! Bachelorette party!" Alice sang, taking her hands from Bella's eyes so that she could see again. Esme and Rosalie were sitting at the dining table, which was laden with snacks and copious amounts of alcohol. Bella sighed, but decided to play along for Alice's benefit.

"I'm guessing that seeing as I'm the only one who can actually eat or drink here that's all for me?" She asked, gesturing towards the veritable feast on the table. Alice pouted.

"Play along, Bella! Besides, we need to get you good and wasted. We've all been hunting, and something's wrong with the wildlife in this area - we're drunk!" Bella raised an eyebrow. She remembered all too clearly Rosalie rolling off coach a few days before, and even more clearly Edward appearing on her windowsill a few nights ago and then abruptly falling off it again.

"Wait a second - if Rosalie already fed a few days ago, why's she drunk now?" Bella asked with a frown. Rosalie looked up, a lazy smile on her face.

"Cos I like it. Everything's nicer! Except these freakin' Wotsits, they keep givin' me the evil eye." She glared at the offending bowl of savoury snacks. Bella smiled in agreement, internally wondering what the hell she was talking about it.

"Why don't you just hunt outside this area?" Bella asked.

"Cos it's fun!" Esme said, speaking for the first time. She was swaying slightly in her seat. "We haven't been drunk since we were human! And bachelorette parties are always more drunk when you're fun!" She realised her mistake and giggled, hicupping slightly.

"Here you go, Bella. Drink up!" Alice said, passing her a large glass of an ominous clear liquid. Bella sighed, and quickly downed the drink. The strong alcohol burned her throat and made her gasp and splutter.

Half an hour later, Esme had 'retired' upstairs and Bella, Alice and Rosalie were on the floor. Alice was sitting in Rosalie's lap, while Bella sat with her back against the fridge The room was spinning, and Bella had to clutch at a cabinet door handle to stay upright.

"I don't think I have a very high tolerance level when it comes to alcohol," she mumbled.

Alice laughed, but then her face became quickly remote and her eyes glassy. Bella recognised this look and leaned forward, holding her breath in anticipation. "What is it, Alice? What do you see?"

"I can see ..." Alice said dramatically. "I can see ... down your top, Bella. Christ, no wonder my brother has self control issues!" Bella rolled her eyes. "No, really, Carlisle's coming home - and he's _wasted._"

A few minutes later they heard the front door slam, and Carlisle walked into the kitchen, his eyes unusually bright. "Hey, guys! What's happening?!"

"It's a bacholerette party, Carlisle! As in, the female form of bachelor! You're _not invited_. Esme is, but she's upstairs."

"Esme? I'd like to get my hands on _her_ female form." Carlisle said, laughing at his own joke. "Is that a cake?! No way! I freakin' love cake!" Before any of them could stop him, he'd leaned over and crammed a slice of raspberry cheesecake into his mouth. "Ohhh, man," he said as soon as he'd swallowed it. "I forgot about the food thing."

"Carlisle, you haven't been able to eat for four hundred years. How did you _forget_ the food thing?" Bella scolded. She was shocked that she had the courage to do this, but about six large vodka shots can do that to a person. Carlisle's face was turning a strange colour, and he clutched his stomach.

"I'll be right back," he whispered, and he rushed out of the room and up the stairs. They could hear Carlisle retching loudly in the bathroom, and Bella stood up, grabbing the counter for support. "When _Carlisle's_ drunk and puking up his guts in the bathroom, the party's definately over."

"Awww Bella, you can't leave! I didn't even show you my Soulja Boy dance routine yet!" Rosalie whined.

"Maybe another time, Rose," Bella said, staggering out of the house to where Charlie was waiting in the cruiser.


	4. Bella & Edward

_Decided to stick this in before I do Bella and Jacob. Enjoy, R&R!_

Bella woke with a start as Charlie knocked on her bedroom door and then groaned, burying her head in the pillow. "Go 'way," she mumbled in the direction of the door as it creaked open. Charlie hesitated for a moment before making a swift exit. He'd never encountered Bella hung over before, and she clearly wasn't going to be pleasant, even though it was already one in the afternoon. As soon as Charlie had gone, Bella sat up in bed and glanced over at the rocking chair. Edward was sitting in it with a newspaper, completing a difficult Suduku puzzle.

"Since when are you into Suduku?" Bella mumbled, dazed and slightly disorientated. She tried to sit up further and felt a lurch in her stomach as she did so.

"Since I started drinking and realised that I can't keep still when I'm drunk," Edward admitted, looking a little embarrassed. He folded up the paper and moved cautiously towards Bella's bedside. "You're not going to be sick again, are you?"

"Nope. I don't think so, anyway." Bella stood up carefully and looked at herself in the mirror. She was a complete mess. "Are you drunk again?" She asked accusingly.

"Pots and kettles, Bella, but yes, I'm drunk." Edward said, looking at himself in the mirror behind Bella. She'd never seen him even glance at his reflection before, so it was odd to watch him fiddle with a lock of dark auburn hair which wouldn't lie flat. "Do you think I should start using product in my hair?"

Bella was shocked at the question, and looked at him quizzically. "Um, no, it's fine," she said, picking up her towel and a change of clothes and heading towards the bathroom.

"No it's not. It looks silly," she heard Edward mutter to himself as she stepped into the shower.

When she returned, feeling slightly refreshed, Edward had his back to her as he stared intently into the mirror. She sat down on her bed, wondering what he was hiding.

"Edward ..?" she asked. Edward was furiously rubbing his face, but he stopped and turned at the sound of his name.

Bella choked on the words she had been about to say to him as she saw him. He'd clearly been experimenting with the make-up Alice had bought her, because he had the remains of some red lipstick and mascara smeared across his features where he'd tried to get rid of it.

"I was playing 'What my biological sister would look like'," he explained, looking down at the floor like a scolded child. Bella was in too much shock to reply; she'd definitely never seen this side of her fiancé before. "Edwina Cullen isn't so pretty." He concluded.

"There are make-up wipes in the drawer," Bella said, finally managing to speak again. Her phone rang, and she picked it up from her desk and saw Alice's name on the display. "Hey, Alice. Did you know that your brother was an aspiring cross-dresser?"

"No, but it doesn't surprise me," Alice said. Bella could hear that she was smirking. "Listen, I wanted to apologize for me and Rosalie last night – I get the feeling that you definitely weren't the one to suggest playing 'I will Survive' at full volume on repeat."

"No, I wasn't. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy it, though. I hope Rosalie was joking about her Soulja Boy dance routine, though."

"Oh, no, she was deadly serious. On sunny days we don't have much to do, so we learn dance routines from MTV. Don't tell Edward I told you this, but he can bust out a mean Soulja Boy too." Bella laughed in shock, and eyed Edward as he wiped the last traces of mascara from around his eyes.

"I'll see you later, Alice," Bella said, hanging up. She walked over to Edward and leaned against him, grinning. She wasn't able to resist a dig at him. "I hear that you can crank dat, Soulja Boy," she said, laughing.

Edward growled. "Alice told you? I feel betrayed. And for the record, I _can _crank dat."

"I'm sure you can. You should just be praying that I don't tell Emmett about your little incident with my MAC products," Bella said, raising an eyebrow at him. Edward seemed to pale, if that was possible, and he looked at her with pleading eyes.

"Please don't, Bella. Emmett can _never_ find out about Edwina."


	5. Edward & Carlisle

_Thanks for the reviews :) I'm not putting off Bella and Jacob because I dislike him, I'm pretty switzerland about the whole thing (although actually I'm Team Edward, I don't hate Jake), but I keep thinking up more stupid little scenes to put in this. R&R people._

Edward lay on the large bed which now dominated his room, with a CD playing quietly. It was lucky that his walls were relatively soundproof, because otherwise the others in the house would not only be extremely irritated by the music that their hearing would pick up, but would also never let him live down his song choice. 'Let's get it On' by Marvin Gaye was serenading him as he thought about the upcoming wedding, and he was humming a little improv sax under his breath to spice up the song. There was a knock on the door, and Carlisle entered before Edward could stop the CD. He frowned at the song choice and then sat down cautiously on the edge of Edward's bed.

"Have you stopped vomiting?" Edward enquired mildly. It was Carlisle's turn to look embarrassed, and he reached over and turned off the CD player before speaking.

"Yes, actually. That cake wasn't really worth the hassle." Edward could tell that Carlisle still wasn't back to normal, with his dilated pupils and slightly clumsy demeanour. "I'm here to talk to you about something … serious." He admitted. Edward focused on his thoughts, which had been clouded with drink since he came in. '_This is embarrassing but it has to be done. Yep, yep, has to be done.'_

Edward frowned and sat up. "Is that really wise when you're under the influence?" he asked, suddenly feeling extremely apprehensive. Carlisle's true motivation for entering the room suddenly became clear to Edward through his thoughts, and Edward gasped and physically backed away from his father. "No! Carlisle, I'm grateful for your concern, but I'm perfectly aware-"

"You forget, Edward, that although you have all the theory, you don't have any of the practical experience," Carlisle said, chuckling at Edward's obvious discomfort. Images of Carlisle and Esme suddenly filled his head, and Edward cringed.

"Carlisle! Control yourself. And as I said, thank you, but I really don't need a ... a sex talk."

"As a husband, you have certain duties to fulfil. Esme's going to give the same talk to Bella, so you can stop being so embarrassed about it all." Edward stared at Carlisle with a look of horror twisting his pale features.

"You can't be serious?! Bella's already been … _filled in_, by both her mother and Charlie, so there's no need for Esme to go … sticking her oar in." Carlisle snickered at his choice of words, and Edward wished for the hundredth time that day that he couldn't read minds.

"Fine, fine, but _you_ haven't been filled in, so if you don't mind I'll be sticking my oar in right now-" Carlisle chocked on his own words and started to laugh again, while Edward sighed and shook his head. He had never known Carlisle to have such a dirty mind, especially when it came to cheesy innuendos.

"I'm sure that there aren't many aspects of … _it_ which I can't grasp by myself, Carlisle." He'd clearly chosen the wrong words again, because Carlisle's laugher was renewed. If he had been human, tears would have been streaming down his face.

"Yes, I know, you could _grasp it_ alone … but that takes away half the fun-" Carlisle broke off again, shaking with laughter at the double meaning of his own statement. Edward stood up and attempted to move Carlisle towards the door. The blonde vampire rose too, but wouldn't leave. He leant against Edward's wall, still struggling to control himself.

"Thank you for your concern, Carlisle, but I'll be fine," Edward said, carefully pronouncing each word and making sure that there were no hidden innuendos in the words he spoke.

"Hmm. I'm sure _she'd_ be thanking me for my concern. I was going to teach you some of my best moves-"

"Right, that's it, out!" Edward said, gently shoving Carlisle out of the door and slamming it after him. He could still hear Carlisle laughing as he walked down the corridor to his study, and Edward turned the CD player on again to try and clear his thoughts. The whole incident had been extremely embarrassing, and he didn't want to have to repeat it ever. _'What if Esme tries next?' _he thought with dismay as he lay back down on the bed. He suddenly remembered what he'd been doing before Carlisle had interrupted, and he reached under the pillow to pick up the book he was halfway through studying.

Flicking through until he found his page, he refocused all of his concentration back on reading the Karma Sutra.


	6. Bachelor Party

_Thanks for reviewing :) STILL putting off Bella and Jacob. Saving them til last, I guess. R&R._

"So … when you said 'no strippers', did you actually _mean_ no strippers?" Emmett asked, watching the expression on Edward's face carefully. They were sitting in Carlisle's study, and the two of them plus Jasper and Carlisle made up Edward's bachelor party. Edward sighed; he was now sober, whereas the others had opted to go out hunting again in anticipation of the evening's festivities.

"Yes, Emmett, I meant _no strippers_. Was that really so difficult for you to understand?" He saw the guilt in Emmett's face, and didn't need to read his thoughts to know that at least one stripper would be appearing at the Cullen household later. Apparently he wasn't the only one, because there was a loud bang as something hit against the door of the study.

"You said there weren't going to be strippers, Jasper!" Alice shouted from the corridor, her voice sounding more than a little slurred. "You're a lying little prick!" Carlisle raised his eyebrows at Jasper, who shrugged.

"You tried hiding the fact that there were going to be strippers at this party from the clairvoyant and the girl who sees the future?" Edward laughed, shaking his head. "You're all idiots."

"Awww, come on Edward. We're just trying to have a little _fun_. I even bought two of those dance mat thingies!" He held up a cardboard box proudly, a grin widening his pale face. This didn't do much to improve Edward's mood, and he shook his head, sinking back lower into his chair.

"We're going out!" Rosalie called from downstairs. "Don't wait up, losers." They heard the front door slam as the female inhabitants of the Cullen household exited, a little less quietly and gracefully than they normally would have done.

"My family, the raging alcoholics," Edward said, tutting and sighing in mock disapproval. "Come on then, let's go downstairs and get this-"

"- party started!" Jasper finished for him, jumping from his seat.

"I was going to say 'over with', but whatever you say, Jasper."

They trooped downstairs and Jasper immediately set up the dance mats. Emmett quickly made the call to cancel the stripper, and then joined Jasper. Within ten minutes, they were battling it out over 'Video Killed the Radio Star', while Carlisle and Edward sat on the sofa and watched. It was obvious who out of the four of them had been drinking.

"Say it," Emmett said, laughing as the scores appeared on the screen.

"Nope," Jasper said, crossing his arms and pouting.

"Say it, Jasper, or I'm telling everyone I know about this."

"Fine. I'm your bitch." Jasper mumbled. Edward couldn't suppress his laugh, and his brothers looked around in surprise as if they'd forgotten he was there.

"This is my bachelor party," Edward reminded them. "Shouldn't I be included in the celebrations?" He immediately regretted saying this, as Jasper and Emmett sat down on the floor next to the couch, eager to include him. "No, we're not playing that game," he responded to Jasper's thoughts, knowing all too well how they'd purposefully embarrass him.

"We're playing I never," Jasper said firmly. "It's a classic." Carlisle looked a little confused, and Jasper sighed. "You've been around for four hundred years and you've never played 'I never'?" Carlisle shook his head. "Okay, you hold up five fingers. Each person has to say 'I never … ' and say something they've never done. If you have done it, you have to take down a finger. The first person to run out of fingers loses, and is clearly the biggest manwhore." Carlisle looked even more confused, but gamely raised a hand with the others.

Emmett cleared his throat. "I'll start. I never kissed a human after I'd changed." They all looked pointedly at Edward, who lowered a finger. He knew this was exactly how the game was going to play out, with everyone picking on him.

"I never fell off a windowsill even though I have superhuman abilities and am supposedly incredibly well balanced." Jasper said. Edward sighed.

"I was drunk, Jasper. It hardly counts." He muttered, frowning. Jasper just laughed.

"It always counts, Edward. You're an idiot. Carlisle?" Carlisle frowned, and looked deep in thought for a few moments. The seconds ticked by, and Edward sighed.

"Okay, my turn. I never ate a huge slice of cake and had to spend three hours throwing it back up again because I _forgot_ that I couldn't digest food." Carlisle looked suitably sheepish and lowered a finger. Then he brightened, looking at Emmett.

"I never secretly practiced 'Video Killed the Radio Star' for three hours on the dance mat so that I could beat Jasper and pretend it was because I was naturally talented." Emmett glowered at him and lowered a finger, while Jasper gasped in outrage.

"You dirty cheat," he growled. "Now you're _my_ bitch."

They continued in this fashion until Edward and Emmett only had a finger each left. Jasper was still on two, whereas Carlisle had four. It was Edward's turn, and he smiled, knowing that despite the fact that he wasn't proud of what he was about to say, it was going to win him the game.

"I never had sex," he said, and Emmett, Carlisle and Jasper all lowered a finger. Emmett's was his last. "Emmett, you lost. Looks like you're _everyone_'s bitch."

"Why is Emmett a bitch?" Alice called from the doorway. They all looked around in surprise that it was so late that the girls had come home from their night out. "Oh, no!" She disappeared again, and Edward sat up, a pained look on his face.

"What did she see?" Carlisle enquired mildly, and Edward frowned.

"Hopefully she's not too late – oh, crap." He stood up, looking even paler than before.

"Edward! I'm so sorry!" Bella's slurred voice came from outside the house, and everyone except Edward looked confused. He rushed outside, and Alice walked in, laughing under her breath.

"She threw up on the Volvo," she explained, and they all smirked as they heard Edward's wail of pain. "I didn't realise he'd be so annoyed that we got Bella drunk," Alice said, frowning.

"My Volvo!" Edward cried in anguish, and Alice shrugged.

"Okay, I guess he's slightly more concerned for his ride than his girlfriend."

"He shouldn't be," Emmett said wisely, before breaking into a grin. "In a few months, his girlfriend's going to _become_ his ride."


	7. Edward, Jasper & Jacob

_I know it's been a while. I've been super busy with exams though, so don't kill me too much. Please review guys, it makes me feel loved - I've got more alerts on this story than I've got reviews! No okay, don't feel pressured, but I'd love it if you'd R&R. ON WITH THE STUPID CRAPPY CHAPTER!_

Edward and Jasper were noticeably unsteady on their feet as they made their way into the forests surrounding Forks. Their usually graceful and inhumanly fast pace was disjointed, mainly because they were both tripping up every ten seconds and ending up flat on their faces cussing into the ground – they were both drunk. Again. The seventh time Jasper tripped over his own feet, Edward stopped and turned to see his brother sprawled across a rock, seemingly talking to himself. As he approached, he saw the small beetle in front of Jasper's nose – a beetle which Jasper seemed to be addressing with an odd tone of authority to his voice

"Beetle, I'm going to tell you this _one time_, and _one time only_. You trip Jasper up, and you get squished. _Squished!_ Now, what the hell are you looking at me like that for? Prepare to suffer _major consequences_!"

Edward frowned, and leaned over so that he could check if the beetle seemed to be showing any signs of replying. It wasn't. "Jasper … it's just a beetle."

"It's not just a beetle, it's a _bad_ beetle!" Jasper scolded, pouting in the direction of the obviously disinterested beetle. He scooped it up so that he could hold it at eye level, a better position for him to glare at it in. After a moment, he shrieked and dropped the beetle to the ground. "Edward, it _peed_ on me."

"I can't blame it," Edward growled under his breath, before reaching out and hauling his brother to his feet – making sure that he grabbed the hand which wasn't covered in beetle excretions. As they continued into the forest, a scent which was familiar, but no less disgusting despite the familiarity, reached their nostrils and they both froze in place at the same time – although Jasper wasn't still for long before he wobbled a little and crashed back down to the ground.

"You're spending more time on your butt these days than Bella does," Edward remarked, before helping his brother up from the floor again. He tried to keep his tone casual, but he was growing increasingly agitated about the scent they had come across; it was distinctly werewolf, and definitely Jacob Black.

"Jacob!" Jasper called out, "Here, boy! Here Jakey Jakey Jakey!" He whistled as if calling to a dog, laughing, but the smile was wiped from his face as he saw Jacob appearing from the darkness, impossibly huge and shaking with anger. "Um, hey Jacob," he added, sounding a lot less confident now.

"Cullen," Jacob said, nodding at Edward. He turned his gaze to Jasper. "Other Cullen," he added, looking slightly less murderous. Edward sniffed the air; there was another scent mingled with the usual werewolf stink.

"Jacob, are you drunk?" he asked in mild surprise. His question was answered in Jacob's thoughts – _'Drunk? I had ONE drink. If twelve beers count as one drink.' _Edward couldn't help but grin; this should be interesting. Jasper was looking increasingly uncomfortable, and as Edward turned to tell him he could leave, he was already opening his mouth to speak.

"Oh, um, I think I hear someone calling me. Beetle? _Beetle?!_ Yeah, I'll be there in a sec!" he threw a last frantic glance at Jacob before disappearing into the forest with unnatural speed.

Edward faced Jacob without speaking, choosing instead to read his thoughts. _'Look at him. Standing there. All ... undead. What does this guy do that I can't? He sucks blood. Biiiig whoop. Mosquitos suck blood too, maybe she should go get engaged to an insect ... I'm sure I'd get along with it more. Plus it'd be easier to squish. He's a bug - a big shiny bug. Stupid bugman.'_

"When you're quite finished," Edward said, crossing his arms and trying to maintain a composed posture, "Would you mind telling me what you're doing here?" He prayed that he wouldn't give away how intoxicated he was - Edward was sure that Jacob would take advantage of that knowledge in any way that he could.

"Just checking up on you, _Eddie_," Jacob said with a smirk. His face suddenly changed, and he looked over Edward's shoulder with an expression of shock and horror, eyes widening in disbelief. "Holy crap, it's Victoria!" Edward wheeled around, and the sudden movement upset his balance and sent him flying to the floor. Jacob grinned and leaned down over his rival, making sure that his breath - which he knew would smell as disgusting to Edward as Edward's did to him - blew through the male vampire's hair in a way that meant it would linger there for a while.

"See you later .." he said, before stepping over Edward and starting to walk away. "... sucker."


End file.
